I love that I can come here and say whatever I need to say, and you all just love me thru it. Even though I can be a total nut job at times :) You are probably wondering why I have a picture of training wheels........ cuz that's what this feels like DAMMIT! I feel like I just went thru losing all the weight. Breaking old habits and addictions. Being stable as ever etc. Like being on a bike with training wheels and graduating to the "Big Girl Bike". Then bam! I realize that I still have issues, I will have to re-lose some of the weight I lost, and old habits are still sitting right on the sidelines ready to take over! Having to do another round feels like going back to "training wheels" again :)
I remember my very first round a year ago, and how emotional it was. I remember feeling angry. I remember feeling like I was losing my best friend (food). I remember feeling like I was losing my favorite form of entertainment (food). I really got to see how warped my relationship with food had become. Then as I went thru my first and second round, I broke thru all that and realized I did not need food for emotional reasons or entertainment. I was so proud of myself and the progress I had made mentally, even more than physically. Well, ever since I made the decision to start another round, I have been a total weirdo. Angry, upset, feeling like I was losing my favorite "blanket" etc. Holy Crap! I realized that slowly over time I have let some of my emotional attachments to food sneak back in without even realizing it. I thought about how much I am looking forward to "free days" and that my fun with my husband is on those days. I am doing EXACTLY what I did in the past. Attaching all of my emotions around food events. It just isn't as bad because I am good about correcting over the week and I am 70 lbs lighter too. Totally shocking to see how hard it is to overcome all this garbage.
Anyways, those of you who know me, know that I am a perfectionist so I just have to say that it really TICKS ME OFF that I will be starting this round basically where I started my last round. This morning I was still 155.2. Granted, I have been 150 for the past 5 months, and 5# really isn't that big of a deal after a 16 day vacation and "free weekends" instead of "free days" :) I still just want to go on record that it makes me mad. Ok? There, I feel much better now :)
Believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel- multiplied by about 10 (+almost 50lbs for me). I say this to you, and am also saying this to myself (and hope I hear it): Do not be mad at yourself. The GREAT thing for you, is that you ARE 70lbs lighter than you were a year ago, and you recognized the troublesome behavior before it got more out of hand than it already did, and are doing something to rectify it. Just identifying the behavior is half of the battle. You didn't wait to gain all 75lbs back. Nope, you stopped at 5lbs. That was ALL it took for a great big red light to go off in your head and say DO something NOW. That's a huge victory!
ReplyDeleteBefore, a year ago, and perhaps many years before that, that same red light went off but you ignored it. That's how you got to be 75lbs (or 100lbs in my case) overweight. Sometimes we'd hear ourselves say, 'I really need to lose some of this weight', but we enjoyed eating too much to really do something about it. We just kept eating and gaining weight.
You, as of today, have said 'Enough!'. And said it at a VERY manageable 5lbs. You recognized the situations that are proving problematic, and are willing to examine some of those and make a change.
That is all GOOD!!! You've come so far from where you started, and have learned so much. You wouldn't be this hard on one of us, as you are being on yourself. Ease up a little bit, and love that you're correcting the situation before it gets out of hand.
OK. I'm stepping off of my soap-box.
love you!
LD- This is why we love you! Thanks so much for your kind words! You are the best!
ReplyDeleteJen
LD nailed it. :) Jen, I appreciate you so much.
ReplyDelete